he came back into my life

Well i have to admit ...i wasnt expecting him to come tubling back into my life. tellling me he searched high and low for me. angry because i never looked for him ...what the hell does expect me to do. telling me its in the past its okay...up no. YOU gae up on me and i just ended up having enough . im not going to buy into his games. with him all i do is wonder when he will answer my messages or when he will eventually pick up my calls. fuck him. ever since i left him i have been so good. new job , better relationships with my family. only good came from leaving him. and now that he is back i feel the same as when he first left me.i just dont want to do it to myself again. i dont care anymore . he will never be what i want him to be . at least text someone that ur busy. he will try to find me again but this time i womt look back . yes i am on muslima and it has nothing to do with him. i dont want someone who will break my heart. and im going to say to him YOU gave up on me.YOU broke my heart. when i wanted it work u never did and now i dont understand why i am so important to you. i dont wanna be hurt again . i am fine with my life . after we broke up i hoped you called but u neer did u waited a month because u realised u lost me . and that u definetly did. goodbye ameen. i hope someone breaks ur heart the way u broke mine .

this a promise to myself.

Today I have finally realized I have had enough of everything. and everyone. Im doing my last and finally try for my exams on tuesday and i literally cant think or write. My whole family think im some kind of messs. that bitch whos name i wont even bother uttering thinks that she cant do what she does to me over and over again well go ahead. I dont fucking care . i dont mean shit to hoyo and i know it. she just uses me when it suits her needs . I feed the kids including the older ones , wash, clean and everything , take hamda to school and im known as a push over .

I know im going to end up leaving and nevcer speaking to my family again. But I want to just leave without saying anything to anyone . Literally just leaving . If hoyo asks me what happened im just going to say to her that im done. im not going to live in house where that witch is , there is no way . im not talking to anyone in this shit hole. she will say a bunch of shit but i'm just gonna keep quiet .the last times i caused a havoc but now i'm just going to keep quiet. hoyo will never get her in trouble for anything and its surprising. im like hello she will never leave she doesnt have the guts . she wants to be me so badly the bitch cant even spell. wallah hoyo wastes her time. 

i wont waste my time on anything in this fucking house . i dont care about kids, hoyo or anyone . i was supposed to be graduating this year from university . but the whole of second yr i got beaten by my mum for reasons i dont know. its so funny looking back and seeing the person that i used to be . i was so dead inside in sixth form , so insecure, well im not insecure but i do need to discover myself outside this house . i want to travel and do things that i want to . i dont really care about keeping a relationship with hoyo i have had it . she always sticks up for samira like there will never be a day that she wont . walah i am just going to talk to the council about registering for being homeless and im ima chat shit wallah get myself i one bedroom place and do something definitely call the job seekers place some point this week and walk to the hounslow one ill take a bus there and walk the rest of the way home . i know myself i really cant be in this house is messy, nasty and honestly cant deal with anyone , since i was a kid i never fitted in this family ...like legit cant deal with it. im over it walah . i took all my things from them i'm dealing with everything on my own from now on like im tired and exhausted of the same circle of things .From now on i'm keeping my mouth shut and im legit not talking to no one in this house at all. morning im in uni night time i come back thats thats . im not even gonna try and play . hoyo and me are gonna get into it but im simply gonna say im not gonna be at the house while she is the house at  the house at the same time . because im simply not having it wallah. im just going to quietly leave not even gonna mention nothing to no one walah it has nothing to do with me anymore i just hope that i make it in life. its not about relationships and all that for me anymore. it doesn't matter that i don't have much friends or that i cant keep a guy. ill just avoid friends and i will avoid men . im not about to have anything stop my motivation of getting a life for myself. i dont need my mother or anyone else in my life to disappointment. wallah i know even samsam thinks i stole her headphones but why didn't that cow mention anything to me .

im not even trying to care anymore im getting on with my life . calling up the brentford call centre and seeing if they have considered me and basically im just gonna work so hard to earn money and save everything to get my own place wallah even if uni doesnt work out im work man i dont give a shit . i will do what i can . im still young im going to make it inshaallah . i dont anything or anyone in my life to suffocate me or to make me feel trapped . im just going to live my life wallah .no man . no family just me doing me . making my money . i am a person thats been hurt too many  times but noit anymore . wallah im going get me some job seekers allowance and im going to what can to make it thats a promise .

Elenas shoes.

I guess i'm not really okay, i want to be, but im  trying .All that i have been through, its still stuck in my head, i wonder sometimes how i used to be, someone lively, fearless, ambitions and hard working.Now i could hardly care, i just feel like my hardwork just fades, i dont know, most of  the time i feel so low, and its hard looking your abusers in the eye everyday and act like everythings cool when its nto.I feel so hurt but i hide it everyday because im just supposed to, there is no point showing everybody my scars, they havent healed , and i just feel like im slipping but im trying my best.I wonder, ive tried to commit sucide so many times but it just sadens me, i was in an even bigger hole before, now, its just the aftermath to that hole, it will take me a long time to trust anyone again.I look around and people look at me like im an outcast, maybe i am. but i dont wanna act like everybody else , i dont wanna aim to please anyone, i dont want to be a zombie.even if i am depressed i still dont wanna conform teachers dont like me because im not a bumsuck, friends gravitate away because im not a push over,  im not useable, i just dont wanna be .

Its not enough, i feel like im sufficating , drowning.I'm not who used to be .

I feel like im fucking myself each and every moment, like im missing some big part of me, i have gained weight and i just feel like a fat blob, people must look at me because of the way i dress, im really self hating but when you literally have everyone like that towards you, including your mum, its hard to things differnetly, i just dont like anything.

Its like no matter what i do things get out of hand, its like everone is enjoying life apart from me, no one wants me near them, i just feel like a mess, i could barely take care of myself like im losing right now

I'm not beautiful.

Its a statement and a fact.because  of my looks i will probably never find anyone.A big bum with nobbly knees, big belly and long arms, i hate my teeth and i hate my hair, i wish  i were able to like myself but i just cant seem to, i lack motivation, i dont know  why i do things, im tired all the time, if i go like a normal person my mother yet again treats be like a slave, i feel as though i have no were to go, i have given up on myself, i dont want to live, please get me out of this life.I'm dumb and stupid, its everything everybodies else thinks of me, and when people say to me oh its not true, well, i dont need to look into your eyes to know you think im hideous .WHNE I WEAR MAKEUP I LOOK EVEN MORE HIDEOUS, i feel as though there is no way out

I don't know if i'll ever be right again

I used to be ...Happy, full of life and so into everything life had to offer,
but i cant stand to look in the mirror now, i keep trying to cope but i cant, no one understands how i feel, like i dont want to live like im worth nothing or like im a piece of dirt, my own parents despise i dont know how to love anyone or myself, because ive never loved myself, im treated like a piece of trash all my life, i wish some day someone  will see something in me, thats worth loving, because i dont have anything to say for myself.

In my heart there is something telling me to hold on, to keep myself together, but in my reality all i see is my mother looking at me as the next thing she could use, if i dont do as she pleases im just treaten badly, i feel like im locked in a cage i cant out of, im not what i use to be, im worse, im lost.trapped.
im right were i was at 15, depressed, lonely and damaged as hell.i dont know how i wil ever cope with anything, i feel like commiting sucide, i feel so hurt right now, and know i have a problem , im so sick of pretending like im fine, im so sick of lying to myself and everyone, im so sick of being alive, i just need to slip away for a few moments or two.i just need to get out of this life now,.
I'm always there for people when they need me, but i seem to have no one, yet again, i just need a man, to hold me, and to tell me im beautiful, and coze with me, to make me feel like im something, like i mean ANYTHING for god sake, i just need something that keeps me feeling like life actually is worth living, im might not have an education and i dont have a family i NEED SOMEONE, i need love, i think if i have that, then i'll learn to love myself, and to forget about my family problems .just get in car with the man i love and drive away.

I have no words....

This whole day has been so stressful. i started talking to my sister today which was awkward , i dont know, i stood there in the middle of a packed room full of women who were all eager to get married themselves, andi realized that what i wanted wasnt love from a man, it was from myself, i dont want a relationship, i dont want marriage, i want to move to vancouver and start a new life, being truthful with everyone, i hate lying, i hate being this way, i hate that my family drive me insane, and i hate that everyone expects me to be a spinster, oh im young just because i dont have boys in my life, no, it just means im not boy crazy thats all, .