Elenas shoes.

I guess i'm not really okay, i want to be, but im  trying .All that i have been through, its still stuck in my head, i wonder sometimes how i used to be, someone lively, fearless, ambitions and hard working.Now i could hardly care, i just feel like my hardwork just fades, i dont know, most of  the time i feel so low, and its hard looking your abusers in the eye everyday and act like everythings cool when its nto.I feel so hurt but i hide it everyday because im just supposed to, there is no point showing everybody my scars, they havent healed , and i just feel like im slipping but im trying my best.I wonder, ive tried to commit sucide so many times but it just sadens me, i was in an even bigger hole before, now, its just the aftermath to that hole, it will take me a long time to trust anyone again.I look around and people look at me like im an outcast, maybe i am. but i dont wanna act like everybody else , i dont wanna aim to please anyone, i dont want to be a zombie.even if i am depressed i still dont wanna conform teachers dont like me because im not a bumsuck, friends gravitate away because im not a push over,  im not useable, i just dont wanna be .