Elenas shoes.

I guess i'm not really okay, i want to be, but im  trying .All that i have been through, its still stuck in my head, i wonder sometimes how i used to be, someone lively, fearless, ambitions and hard working.Now i could hardly care, i just feel like my hardwork just fades, i dont know, most of  the time i feel so low, and its hard looking your abusers in the eye everyday and act like everythings cool when its nto.I feel so hurt but i hide it everyday because im just supposed to, there is no point showing everybody my scars, they havent healed , and i just feel like im slipping but im trying my best.I wonder, ive tried to commit sucide so many times but it just sadens me, i was in an even bigger hole before, now, its just the aftermath to that hole, it will take me a long time to trust anyone again.I look around and people look at me like im an outcast, maybe i am. but i dont wanna act like everybody else , i dont wanna aim to please anyone, i dont want to be a zombie.even if i am depressed i still dont wanna conform teachers dont like me because im not a bumsuck, friends gravitate away because im not a push over,  im not useable, i just dont wanna be .

Its not enough, i feel like im sufficating , drowning.I'm not who used to be .

I feel like im fucking myself each and every moment, like im missing some big part of me, i have gained weight and i just feel like a fat blob, people must look at me because of the way i dress, im really self hating but when you literally have everyone like that towards you, including your mum, its hard to things differnetly, i just dont like anything.

Its like no matter what i do things get out of hand, its like everone is enjoying life apart from me, no one wants me near them, i just feel like a mess, i could barely take care of myself like im losing right now

I'm not beautiful.

Its a statement and a fact.because  of my looks i will probably never find anyone.A big bum with nobbly knees, big belly and long arms, i hate my teeth and i hate my hair, i wish  i were able to like myself but i just cant seem to, i lack motivation, i dont know  why i do things, im tired all the time, if i go like a normal person my mother yet again treats be like a slave, i feel as though i have no were to go, i have given up on myself, i dont want to live, please get me out of this life.I'm dumb and stupid, its everything everybodies else thinks of me, and when people say to me oh its not true, well, i dont need to look into your eyes to know you think im hideous .WHNE I WEAR MAKEUP I LOOK EVEN MORE HIDEOUS, i feel as though there is no way out

I don't know if i'll ever be right again

I used to be ...Happy, full of life and so into everything life had to offer,
but i cant stand to look in the mirror now, i keep trying to cope but i cant, no one understands how i feel, like i dont want to live like im worth nothing or like im a piece of dirt, my own parents despise i dont know how to love anyone or myself, because ive never loved myself, im treated like a piece of trash all my life, i wish some day someone  will see something in me, thats worth loving, because i dont have anything to say for myself.

In my heart there is something telling me to hold on, to keep myself together, but in my reality all i see is my mother looking at me as the next thing she could use, if i dont do as she pleases im just treaten badly, i feel like im locked in a cage i cant out of, im not what i use to be, im worse, im lost.trapped.
im right were i was at 15, depressed, lonely and damaged as hell.i dont know how i wil ever cope with anything, i feel like commiting sucide, i feel so hurt right now, and know i have a problem , im so sick of pretending like im fine, im so sick of lying to myself and everyone, im so sick of being alive, i just need to slip away for a few moments or two.i just need to get out of this life now,.
I'm always there for people when they need me, but i seem to have no one, yet again, i just need a man, to hold me, and to tell me im beautiful, and coze with me, to make me feel like im something, like i mean ANYTHING for god sake, i just need something that keeps me feeling like life actually is worth living, im might not have an education and i dont have a family i NEED SOMEONE, i need love, i think if i have that, then i'll learn to love myself, and to forget about my family problems .just get in car with the man i love and drive away.

I have no words....

This whole day has been so stressful. i started talking to my sister today which was awkward , i dont know, i stood there in the middle of a packed room full of women who were all eager to get married themselves, andi realized that what i wanted wasnt love from a man, it was from myself, i dont want a relationship, i dont want marriage, i want to move to vancouver and start a new life, being truthful with everyone, i hate lying, i hate being this way, i hate that my family drive me insane, and i hate that everyone expects me to be a spinster, oh im young just because i dont have boys in my life, no, it just means im not boy crazy thats all, .