I don't know if i'll ever be right again

I used to be ...Happy, full of life and so into everything life had to offer,
but i cant stand to look in the mirror now, i keep trying to cope but i cant, no one understands how i feel, like i dont want to live like im worth nothing or like im a piece of dirt, my own parents despise i dont know how to love anyone or myself, because ive never loved myself, im treated like a piece of trash all my life, i wish some day someone  will see something in me, thats worth loving, because i dont have anything to say for myself.

In my heart there is something telling me to hold on, to keep myself together, but in my reality all i see is my mother looking at me as the next thing she could use, if i dont do as she pleases im just treaten badly, i feel like im locked in a cage i cant out of, im not what i use to be, im worse, im lost.trapped.
im right were i was at 15, depressed, lonely and damaged as hell.i dont know how i wil ever cope with anything, i feel like commiting sucide, i feel so hurt right now, and know i have a problem , im so sick of pretending like im fine, im so sick of lying to myself and everyone, im so sick of being alive, i just need to slip away for a few moments or two.i just need to get out of this life now,.
I'm always there for people when they need me, but i seem to have no one, yet again, i just need a man, to hold me, and to tell me im beautiful, and coze with me, to make me feel like im something, like i mean ANYTHING for god sake, i just need something that keeps me feeling like life actually is worth living, im might not have an education and i dont have a family i NEED SOMEONE, i need love, i think if i have that, then i'll learn to love myself, and to forget about my family problems .just get in car with the man i love and drive away.

I have no words....

This whole day has been so stressful. i started talking to my sister today which was awkward , i dont know, i stood there in the middle of a packed room full of women who were all eager to get married themselves, andi realized that what i wanted wasnt love from a man, it was from myself, i dont want a relationship, i dont want marriage, i want to move to vancouver and start a new life, being truthful with everyone, i hate lying, i hate being this way, i hate that my family drive me insane, and i hate that everyone expects me to be a spinster, oh im young just because i dont have boys in my life, no, it just means im not boy crazy thats all, .